Some thoughts on body positivity

I am super body positive.

Like super. I think all bodies are beautiful. I think the variety of bodies alone is what makes them beautiful. Fat, saggy bodies striped with iridescent lightning bolt stretch marks, with soft rolls of flesh. Old, wrinkled bodies that look like topography maps of a life well lived. Thin bodies with bones pressing again delicate skin. Colors ranging from that of the rich earth, pale and shot through with rich blues and purples, wine colored spots, freckles, sun burns...the variety of humanity is so freaking beautiful.

Body positivity brought that to me. Just like becoming familiar with any subject, looking at bodies out side of the paradigm of western beauty standards made me appreciate all of them. Of course I have my preferences for what I like most, that's how humans work. But breaking that brain washing of "Only THIS is beautiful" helped me see lots of beauty.

Like...have you ever stopped and thought about how gorgeous stretch marks are? Like we are so negative about that, don't even look at them...but here our body is striped with these lovely colors-burgundy or violet or pink, with a shimmer to them, shapes like lightning. 

If I could offer iridescent lightning bolt tattoos I'd never run out of business, but here we are doing everything in our power to moisturize them out. 

I love bodies. All of them.

And yet some days, lately most day, I hate my own body. 

I have been really sedentary lately. While I always have been, and always will be, a big girl, usually I'm a healthy big girl. My blood levels are good, I can go be active, have energy, do things. 

This summers been rough. The air has been shitty, the heat has been intense, and my pain level have gotten to the point that I haven't been able to exercise....pretty much at all. 

I've hate it.

And I've been working on trying to make that better, both with doctors, and with what is in my own power. 

And man...why is it that our best habits are paired with our worst?

Some background-I most definitely had an eating disorder as a teen. But eating disorders aren't just ignored in fatties, they're encouraged.  All the super toxic behaviors I participated in- I remember doing extreme diets as early as middle school, binging on food then starving myself for a few days to make up for it, yo-yo diets that dropped and added swaths of weight in rapid succession, all sorts of terrible things- were rewarded. When I lost weight, I got so much praise! Of course I kept doing it. Of course I tried to do it more.

I distinctly remember sending away for a "healthy" diet in middle school from some girls mag, and then just sobbing and hating myself that I didn't "Loss 50 pounds in 6 weeks" even thought I had done FAR MORE than they suggested. I'd do the exercise reps 2-3 times more that suggested, I'd reward myself for eating less than suggested, and I'd loathe myself that the weight didn't drop off.

It always amuses me when thin people say "You just don't notice how many calories you consume. All it is is watching what you eat!" like most every fat girl isn't PAINFULLY aware of every bite she eats.  

I somehow dragged myself out of it. I am not even quite sure how, because I didn't realize till years later that I even had that big an issue. Not until I started looking into eating disorders from the other end. But I am SUPER lucky. A lot of others aren't. 

What becomes so harmful about this is it ties eating well and taking care of yourself, as worthless, UNLESS you are losing weight.

You know one of the biggest reasons I didn't join swim team a third year in high school? One of the best things in my life?

I wasn't losing enough weight. 

Here I was eating better, feeling better, and in better shape then I'd ever been in my life, but it was all worthless because I wasn't losing weight. If my diet wasn't succeeding I'd give up and binge because "what was the point?" Exercise wasn't judged by what was good for me and what my body needed, but by what burned the most calories. 

So I had to teach myself how to eat well, how to listen to my body, and how to learn how to enjoy it moving. How to love and take care of this meat lump that I'm riding through existence. If there's interest I would love to write up how I went down that journey, but this is getting hefty already. 

And now I've lost that and trying to refind it...is a bitch.

Because even today, both eating well and working out are SO tied into actively losing weight.

I have been research yoga moves and stretches to help with my back pain, and pintrest has been great....

Except it take 2-3 pins to get to 

"Use these 8 Yogas moves for a flat belly in 4 weeks!" 

"50 pounds down in 2 weeks with this routine!"

"Weight Watchers new plans for you!"

I caught myself yesterday doing down one of these, doing the mental math to how often I could squeeze in the routines, how fast the weight might fall off, even though I know dieting is rarely successful and often actively harmful, and is specifically harmful to me. Even thought I know the right way to get more healthy, and know that shoping at 5-7-9 is forever a distant fantasy. 

And I should be ok with that. If I saw someone who looked like me, I would think they were beautiful. 

Why is it so hard to think that way for yourself? 

I love body positivity, but I think one of the biggest flaw is the lack of talking about what a struggle it can be. How some days you're right back at square one.